I have been invited to three different fashion websites to (1) blog; (2) help out with Q&A; and (3) upload suggested outfits using their special software. This is pretty funny considering I am the Anti-Fashionista.
When I was in college, my best friend, Kyle, and his live-in boyfriend were always trying to dress me up. They always looked like they just stepped out of GQ. I always looked like I stepped out of HQ (for the Dollar Store, but never like those Walmartians that seem to be viral.) Once, when they were at my house and we were going out to dinner, they decided they would choose my outfit. “What? Don’t you have anything that isn’t black or purple? Whenever they gifted me, it was something very expensive and girly – way too fou-fou for me to ever wear. I would exchange it and buy something comfortable. Kyle finally showed up at my house one day, walked into my bedroom and taped a “Handicapped” placard over my closet.
It’s not that I dislike fashion, or some of it anyway. But I have one fashion rule: nothing can itch. I can go for the classic black thing – it never goes out of style, and you can accessorize to change the look. I like accessorizing with cat hairs myself – with six different cats to choose from, there isn’t an event I can’t appropriately dress for.
Most of my fashion advice has come from Miss Piggy. Her Guide to Life is my fashion bible. Who can argue against her commonsense rule: Don’t wear yellow lipstick? And talk about diet tips! “Never eat more than you can lift,” is one of my strictest rules. Three times a day I do her aerobics routine: “Deep breathe. Take a bite. Chew, chew, chew, chew. Swallow. Deep Breathe. Take a bite. Chew, chew, chew, chew.”
Lest you think this is frivolous, just try and argue with her calorie-counting logic. First, you take a menu and tally up the items and their calories of all the things you would eat if calories weren’t an issue. Then you choose a sensible meal, say, a sandwich, fries, shake, soda, and a teensy-weensy dessert. Tally up those calories, then subtract them from the mega-meal. Voila! You no doubt have shaved off a serious amount of calories, and times that by five (adding two daily snacks) and what a deal! Genius! And now while my thighs still lightly brush against each other, they no longer fight to see who goes first.
Actually, Emma Peel is my fashion goddess, and has been for decades. Classic black, again, and easy to move around in, in case you need to use your martial arts skills. (I don’t have any, but at least I can dress like I do.)
So, much as I appreciate the compliment of being asked to join these fashion websites, I have to be honest and say no. If I had my druthers, I would walk the earth rocking nothing but a tattooed body suit and a shaved head. But I value anonymity and inconspicuousness too much. Good thing for the rest of the world! ;-)